Thursday, May 6, 2010

Bullying

I am a geek; I am a fat geek girl.  I have been bullied.  I was listening to episode 124 of the podcast GeeksOn where they spent a significant time talking about bullying. 
 
I think that listening to the show caused me to relive those moments in high school, and it is causing me to share them here.
 
In high school, my (oddly enough) senior year is when I gained most of the weight I have lost.  I am now smaller than I was then.  I remember vividly being teased for a full week by a boy in my Technology class who was mad that those of us in the Tech Club got to work on our state projects while he had to learn to type or something.  The day I lost my temper at him, he said “You are fat, and I am going to laugh when you come to me for crack to lose weight.”  I admit it, I lost it pushed him into a table and said “At least I can lose weight, you will always be this stupid.”.  The teacher told the boy who then complained that he had not seen anything.  I wonder now why he did not stop the teasing, why my friends in the club just kept working on their projects.  I have never been called anything too creative, just fat or brain al-la Daria mostly because I had developed a razor sharp tongue that I honed on a younger brother.
 
Now the other more sly and much less harmful bullying I received was from the girls.  Slut shaming was a recreational activity at our school.  It was well known that I had engaged in sex, some consensual.  I was a full on flirt but more than that I knew about sex, how to be safe, techniques and I never felt guilty for the activities I willingly engaged in.  This freaked some girls out and I was regularly called a slut, whore and skank by the very girls who in “secret” notes would ask me to buy them condoms and drive them to Planned Parenthood.  This was easy to deal with because being from the Bible belt I understood, if not shared, their shame.
 
I now engage in self bullying, I call myself fat on a daily basis even after all the work I have done.  I look into the mirror and say the very things that they said to me.  Generally this is done with a scoff, “I am so fat.  Maybe but you were much fatter.”    I have to remember that I am in control now, I have dealt with the emotional problems that not many knew I hid and I am not on that horrible birth control that cause you to gain weight (the Depo shot just exasperated the weight problem I was having).
 
I guess in this long rambling post I am just trying to say, we get bullied and it stays with us.  I may bully myself but I do not think back to what they said in high school on a regular basis.  Talking about bullying makes me remember that pain, makes me remember those moments of self hatred brought on by others.  I was not an unpopular kid, I had friends despite being a geeky band girl in Tech club, German club and HOSA. 
 
I am not a bullying victim, and I am sure there is some one out there who felt bullied by my sarcasm and snide comments.

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