Monday, May 2, 2011

Feeling ugly, fat and stupid

I am unmotivated, well partially. Mentally I am ready to hit the gym, or road respectively. Emotionally and physically I want to curl up and sleep. I am thinking this is an allergy issue or something. I wanted to hash out how I am feeling for the whole world to read then point and laugh.

I am so tired, I am not sure where the energy went and why my mental hype doesn’t translate. I literally slept like 18 hours in the last 36 hours. Getting out of bed this morning took all my will power and my sweeties gentle prodding. I did it but even now as I type this I am still sleepy. I would rather curl up and sleep than actually do anything at all. I am fairly certain that it is allergies with the way the air is here or hormones from that special time (once a month) in every girl’s life or it is some unbearable combination of the 2 that is driving me crazy. I have managed to get the eating under some form of control so that is a bonus, and sleeping all the time leaves little room for snacking.

Emotionally work is beating me all to hell. My lunch time has become so infrequent that I lose motivation on the days I get one to work out. The days that I am working with no lunch I get so crazy lonely that I lose all motivation to do anything but drape myself over my sweetie, well I do that anyway. Still the oppressive quietness of the office makes me almost depressed while I am there and takes a few hours for me to shake out of it. Beyond just the constant being alone there is all this interoffice drama. Being the person so often stuck at the office and playing gofer to everyone some how I feel like I am constantly attacked or completely unappreciated. I am covering 3 fucking desks people!

On a side note, I forced it today…30 mins at the gym and it did feel good…

I feel like I need the “Come back to this” speech from Center Stage, the one where the teacher says that regardless of how mad you get come back to the core. Maybe I will find a clip on youtube of it? What I need to know from my friends out there is, how should I be dealing? What would you do?

2 comments:

  1. Work is stressful, and I imagine that for an outgoing person being alone is as hard for you as being in a very crowded very noisy office was for me, an introvert by nature and by past trauma. I think better alone, and my job was a multi-tasking, never-get-a-breath type so I never had a minute to get bored or lonely until I burned out. What are the rules at work? Can you read when alone? Do puzzles? I know you text sometimes. If you could read could you try to learn a second language or challange yourself some way?

    Everyone feels under appreciated at work and sounds like you can get so busy at times. But how others treat/see you at work, isn't about you it's about them. You are smart, efficient, hardworking, and valuable and you don't need your job to validate what is already obvious and true. I'm just saying, until you're in the right evironment, you can shine your ass off and no one will notice, it's not you. I like that come back to the core thing because it brings it back to you, your own self worth that you know deep inside you is good and worth all your hard work. Look inside.

    As for the sleeping, I couldn't say, so many emotional/physical problems lead to over sleeping. Have you had your thyroid checked? xxoo leftbehind

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  2. Thank you! I should have said so earlier but thank you.

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