Tuesday, August 28, 2012

My Apologies

My life has been crazy lately.  I have had so much on my plate that in my free time I don’t want to do anything for that I am very sorry.  Instead of spending so much time apologizing I give you a run down of some of the big, the stressful and just eventful things that have happened to me in the past few months.  So with out further ado…

My father has cancer, I know I have talked about it before but it is something that is hitting me very hard.  It is not a fun thing to think about but some how it seeps into everything I do.  He went through radiation but it seems he is not going to go through chemo.  He is choosing to stop the course of treatment for various reasons all of which my rational mind accepts.  He deserves to have a happy life, to eat drink and be merry.  I will be visiting him shortly and that might be the hardest thing I will ever do.  My father has always been a physical representation of all that is life, I don’t want to see him sick.  Of course all of this makes one reflect back on their life and grapple with mortality.  The reality of life is you get one life to live, remember only the good and let go of the bad.

I am heading back to Texas for the first time in 4 years.  It fills me with all sorts of mixed feelings that I am having issues dealing with.  I want to see my family (and hopefully friends) but by the same token I am apathetic.  I have said multiple times that the roads and planes go both ways.  No one and I repeat; neither a friend nor family has made even an attempt to come see the life I have made here.  It makes me feel inferior, like they don’t even acknowledge that I choose to start a life, like they can not grasp that some one thinks there is a life 1500 miles away from them.  

I have been diligently working on getting stuff ready for school.  I have been accepted, signed my loan paperwork and the books are on my desk ready for my online classes to start on September 4th (the day I get back from visiting my father).  I must say I fluctuate between complete and total fear and unparalleled excitement.  I feel like I need to prove I am smart.  I am proud that I am finally taking my future into my own hands.  I deserve to take strides to better my life and that is a hard concept to deal with.  But orientation has started and classes will start so soon I can feel it.

I also have all my other obligations, games, friends, and such that are all pressing on me.  I have friends who are getting engaged, having babies, and even a few with grand babies. 

Falling off my good habits has hit my self-esteem in the gut but I take comfort in the fact that I can and have changed my life and will continue to do that.

Please let me know if you have any questions or comments, I hate to think I blog faded and am now screaming into the emptiness that can be the internet.  I am also thinking about using Pintrest to inspire myself, any thoughts?

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