Sunday, November 1, 2015

Life is Complicated

GenCon was 4 months ago, my god it seems so much further away.  I went to several fun seminars this time, learned a lot.  GenCon is not what this post is about though, I am sad to say.

On August 1st my brother, my baby brother took his life.  It was on day 3 of GenCon.  He would do this in the middle of my much needed and deserved vacation.  Everything has been in a tailspin since then.  You never know how you will handle a true crisis until you are on a plane, 2 days after your vacation and you don't return home until it is almost your birthday.

This is my brother and his kids.

We had a contentious relationship.  Some how we both ended up resenting the other.  We did how ever share many of the same interests.  He was the first person I ever played Magic the Gathering with, once and it ended with me calling him a dork.  If you were to look at our music collections and movie choices you would see that we also shared those tastes as well.  He was bull headed and stubborn.  He was by far the more social of the two of us.  He was always more satisfied when he was surrounded by the ones he loved.  I am his sister, the aunt to his 3 beautiful children and I was his off and on friend.

No one expects suicide, it is a joke the punch line so often in our society.  I know I used to make them too.  Now I cringe every time some one makes one.  There are no answers, no easy way out and ultimately this was the most selfish act.  He is my brother and I love him, even when I locked him out of the house.  We could tease each other but heaven help the outsider who did it.  Both of us used words as weapons.

So now what, its been 4 months.  I spent a month of that in Texas, taking care of things supporting my mom, fighting the battles that I should not have been forced to fight.  Every time I defended his life choices, I was defending my own.  It his hard explaining a person who lived life left of center, I hide mine better then he did, and I live thousands of miles from my gossiping family.  Fuck those judgmental assholes who can't see past a fucking fictional book written in the bronze age.  A book that allows slavery, condones rape (as long the rapist marries his victim and gives the family gold) and one that teaches you to be afraid.

I haven't dealt with a lot of things.  I hide, bury my emotions often in working out.  I tried to get back on my feet a month ago, working out and eating right but I don't think I was ready.  Life is not supposed to be like this, I am not supposed to be standing here looking at a family destroyed.  I will move on, survive.  I will stand up again and I will face the haunting details that bind myself to my brother.

It is a well known fact that life is complicated.  I have not written in a very long time, at least not here.  You can catch up on some of my doings by going to the Facebook page I run with my friends called The Downsizing Dorks.  I have not been in hiding, well not entirely.

This blog has always served as my safe space, the place where I can say what I need to.  It is like and empty room where I can monologue until I am spent, all my words and thoughts purged.  There is no privacy but there is silence.

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