Saturday, July 7, 2018

Anxiety, Paralyzation, and Hoarders

I have an addiction; I love the TV show Hoarders.  For years it has been my guilty pleasure, the thing I binge watch.  I can't help it.  Now I am not a hoarder, in fact I am borderline a neat freak.  Things have a place, I don't keep trash laying around, and I often spend my spare time cleaning, it is fun for me.  Still I have never understood my fascination with this show, how I watch for hours and never seem to tire. I feared for a long time that I am a sadist, a person feeding on the pain and tragedy of this show.  I am pretty sure that is not it now.

Today I watched an episode (Season 8 Episode 1 for those interested) where the woman was paralyzed by her own anxiety.  She could not trust anyone around her and her family could not understand.  Suddenly I understood though, I know how easy it is to live in your head.  Sometimes that fear and anxiety is like an a perpetual motion machine.  One thought enters your head and it is instantly on repeat, especially when it comes to taking care of yourself.

Fear is being paralyzed.  Your mind is like a haunted house and you are being chased by failure.  At least for me that is my fear.  Why didn't I do my C25K today?  I was afraid that I would embarrass myself or fail to complete it.  Now this fear has little basis in reality, but it exists and today it won.  Unlike the people on Hoarders though, I have kind of learned (am still learning) that everyday is new, hell every few hours can be new, or maybe that is being bipolar, regardless it can be new.

I do better with a schedule anyway.  So today fear won, well this morning fear won.  I know that it is just one step at a time. I also know that I have to take that step, and maybe turn off Hoarders.

Thursday, May 17, 2018

Saying Good Bye to Say Hello

Times have changed, people moved on and even I am tired of dwelling so far in the past.  I would say that I can't move on without their forgiveness but I know better.  I am already moving on but I need to say good bye before I can say hello to the new people in my life.

Good bye, to those quiet moments of shared secrets, those moments lost in intimacy.  I want you to know that I never have nor will I forget those whispers in confidence.  I will smile as I remember the streets we walked down, the laughter shared and the wine we had.  I love you as much if not more than you know.

Good bye to those losses we shared, the tears we cried.  There were moments where the only way we would survive was hand in hand.  We felt pain deeply for each other and we comforted hard.  Our celebrations of life made the losses a shared experience.  I won't forget, and I hope you don't either.

Finally, good bye to holding on.  Letting go of these memories is the hardest thing I have to do.  The past will never be the present.  I ran when I should have stayed and stayed when I should have taken the hint and left.  The mark you have made on my life is undeniable and has changed who I am forever.  I do miss you and your presence in my life but we all have to move on.

Please forgive me for all the slights and pain I have caused.  Have an amazing life!

Good Bye

Tuesday, May 8, 2018

Accepting Loss

I learned today that I have to accept losses in my life.  While I could sit here and talk about the people I have lost in my life.  I am not talking about that kind of loss, that takes everyone time.  I would never presume to tell anyone how to handle the loss of a person.

No, today I am talking about the loss of my fitness.  There was a time when I could flit from workout to work out.  I could try something new and not really be slowed down by the difficulty, I could easily adjust and just be sore in the morning.  I could run for several minutes outside and not think about it but not any more.

I am starting over, completely.  I forgot the feeling of starting over, that tightness in your chest, the fear of missing a step and the fear of not completing a workout.  Part of me wants to have the compassion I would give anyone just starting out.  There is another part of me that hates this, hates me for letting go, for not taking care of myself.

I have to accept that I am not what I used to be.  I have to reframe my life to take fitness back, to bring my former self out of the stupor I have allowed it to become.

Saturday, April 28, 2018

I'm Back.......

I am starting all over and I decided that starting over meant starting a new blog.  So figured I would start with the obligatory introduction post.

Who am I and who was I?

A few years back I started a blog called The Ever Shrinking Geek.   I started it to document my life as a constantly improving dork.  I kept up with it and the lifestyle for quite a while but as often happens things go wrong and life happens. My father died, my brother took his life and my relationship became strained.  It became too much for me to manage.  

Now, here I am starting all over as a 34 year old woman, living alone.  I have gained some weight back and picked up a nasty habit of binge eating to handle emotional stress.  Never the less here I am putting one foot in front of the other and trying to share it so we all know we are never truly alone.

How am I starting this journey?

I am starting by throwing away my calorie counter.  It has caused me nothing but grief and makes me scared to eat.  Instead I am trying something new, kind of a combination intuitive eating and paleo type of lifestyle.  I am going to eat when I am hungry and I am going to eat food I enjoy.  I am however going to avoid foods that are not good for you.  No more chocolate cake or other junk food. I am also going to remove breads and pasta from my general diet.  I am also going to take time out of my week to do yoga and walk several times a week.

Why start this whole blog thing over?

I am always looking for people who are similar to me, going through things like I am.  Finding people who are willing to say "Hey, I am struggling with being who I want to be" or say "I am depressed and I managed to at least get out of bed".  I hope to update this blog every Wednesday.  I will have links to my twitter and tumblr so you can see me in other places too.  Someday I make make a Facebook page.

One more thing...

You will start to notice a change in my writing as time goes on, or rather a change in topics.  I will start talking more about mental health and stability.  In my past I ignored my own mental health which is in part why I am starting over.  I have been diagnosed as having Bipolar 2, which means I never go full mania but I sure go full depressive.  I am going to try and mold my future self into one that works on both the mental and physical.  I realized that with all the things going on in my life I used the fitness and obsessive food control was actually repressing my emotions.

I hope this makes some sense and I hope you will join me on this journey to becoming myself.  

Sunday, November 1, 2015

Life is Complicated

GenCon was 4 months ago, my god it seems so much further away.  I went to several fun seminars this time, learned a lot.  GenCon is not what this post is about though, I am sad to say.

On August 1st my brother, my baby brother took his life.  It was on day 3 of GenCon.  He would do this in the middle of my much needed and deserved vacation.  Everything has been in a tailspin since then.  You never know how you will handle a true crisis until you are on a plane, 2 days after your vacation and you don't return home until it is almost your birthday.

This is my brother and his kids.

We had a contentious relationship.  Some how we both ended up resenting the other.  We did how ever share many of the same interests.  He was the first person I ever played Magic the Gathering with, once and it ended with me calling him a dork.  If you were to look at our music collections and movie choices you would see that we also shared those tastes as well.  He was bull headed and stubborn.  He was by far the more social of the two of us.  He was always more satisfied when he was surrounded by the ones he loved.  I am his sister, the aunt to his 3 beautiful children and I was his off and on friend.

No one expects suicide, it is a joke the punch line so often in our society.  I know I used to make them too.  Now I cringe every time some one makes one.  There are no answers, no easy way out and ultimately this was the most selfish act.  He is my brother and I love him, even when I locked him out of the house.  We could tease each other but heaven help the outsider who did it.  Both of us used words as weapons.

So now what, its been 4 months.  I spent a month of that in Texas, taking care of things supporting my mom, fighting the battles that I should not have been forced to fight.  Every time I defended his life choices, I was defending my own.  It his hard explaining a person who lived life left of center, I hide mine better then he did, and I live thousands of miles from my gossiping family.  Fuck those judgmental assholes who can't see past a fucking fictional book written in the bronze age.  A book that allows slavery, condones rape (as long the rapist marries his victim and gives the family gold) and one that teaches you to be afraid.

I haven't dealt with a lot of things.  I hide, bury my emotions often in working out.  I tried to get back on my feet a month ago, working out and eating right but I don't think I was ready.  Life is not supposed to be like this, I am not supposed to be standing here looking at a family destroyed.  I will move on, survive.  I will stand up again and I will face the haunting details that bind myself to my brother.

It is a well known fact that life is complicated.  I have not written in a very long time, at least not here.  You can catch up on some of my doings by going to the Facebook page I run with my friends called The Downsizing Dorks.  I have not been in hiding, well not entirely.

This blog has always served as my safe space, the place where I can say what I need to.  It is like and empty room where I can monologue until I am spent, all my words and thoughts purged.  There is no privacy but there is silence.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Happy Healthy Tuesday

Well it is a new month and boy do I have news and information about my life.  It seems that it has become easiest for me to blog on the days I am at clinic.  That is probably because I am sitting a lot with my own computer and I have a bit more freedom.  What I am going to do is try and write several and have them scheduled to post, that way I can go back to doing the “When Bad Diets Happen” and other such blog topics that are far more interesting than just hearing about my life.

I am here to talk about my successes since my last blog post, the most amazing and my personal favorite is the fact that I have quit smoking!!!  It has been 29 days and I have saved $110.87 so far.  In this same vein I should give a huge shout out to my boyfriend who put up with me through the horrible days of withdrawals.  I really am proud of this fact and I did it cold turkey.  I also wannna give a big shout out to my friends who are all trying to quit with me.

I think I have lost another 6 pounds since my last blog post so I have that going for me, which is nice.  I have been going to the gym at least 5 days a week with at least one day being a weekend where I do a full hour or more of cardio.  Before you think I am one of those all cardio girls, we have finished all of our first 30 day challenge and have moved on to a new set.  This month we are doing lunges, wall sits, push ups and bicycle crunches.  We are really enjoying the constant and progressive counts and it makes us get really strong. 

Its been a really good 3 weeks (or so) I am not sure there is much else to report, you know where to find me if you want!

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Another Day, More Work Drama

Is the universe trying to tell me something?  Dan Savage often says that if the same things keep happening in your relationships, you are the problem but I really don’t think I am the issue this time.  Here is what is going on, first I have co-workers who have either one foot or in some cases two feet out the door and second of all I feel like I am never doing the right thing.  I feel less like I have a job role and more like I am an overpaid intern.  It pisses me off that I really am starting to feel micromanaged by someone who loses their keys on a daily basis.  If I were brand new I could understand some one standing over me watching everything I do and telling me which emails or calls I should answer, but I have been here over a year AND this is not my first time doing the admin work for camp.  Since no one is happy in my office it feels oppressive and if everyone is leaving should I waited it out or try and find yet another job?  I really don’t think that in this case I am the problem, I also don’t think I was the problem at the moving company when the owner cheated on his wife and I don’t think I was the problem when the Pacific Sands told me one week that they were going to hire me (from a year of temping) and then the next week let me go.  Or maybe all of that was my fault.

In more important news I have lost a total of 7 pounds in the last 2 weeks.  I have been hitting the gym regularly and I am eating under my calories every day.  My clothes feel better and I have more energy.  I have also found that all the regular exercise is making me sleep better.  Who could have known that I would feel better if I got healthier?  I am all sorts of excited and ready to take on the world.  We are half way through our 30 day challenges and I am trying to figure out what our next ones should be, any thoughts?

In geeky news, we are all set to go to GenCon this year!  I am ready to go back to the best 4 days in gaming!  We will have our usual crew with us plus the addition of a new person and for a first time we will have another girl in our room, as much as any of us are really girls that week.  Unless our boobs are D20’s no one will notice us.   Well I suppose we could go in some insane cosplay but I am not that much for cosplay that is not really comfortable.  So no heels, or skirts…I guess I could be Lara Croft or as the internet would know me as, Fat Lara Croft.  That being said, I might make a mean Daria at GenCon.